About – Face

When I was told that I had cancer, my reaction was minimal. My gut already told me the biopsy results were going to be positive so I guess I was already mentally prepared. I did briefly shed a tear, but there was no sudden or deep feeling of dismay. I knew I’d have to play whatever cards I was dealt. I knew that my emotions or fears would need to be pushed aside for my family’s sake. If I folded, they’d fold.

It was tough telling the girls. I recall downplaying it so they would not be to upset. Their ages are so different and far apart that their level of understanding was also spread apart. Even now, 6 months later, I still handle some conversations differently depending upon what child is nearby. When we told the girls it was a bit emotional and confusing for them. I reminded them that I was tough and was going to be around for years to nag them. At that moment, sitting at the kitchen table, I truly had no clue what really was next for me, but I knew I wasn’t going to show fear or weakness.

I had multiple surgeries and eventually chemo, all the while going about our lives as close to normal as possible. To be honest, when I reflect back now, those first few months are just a blur. My husband stepped up like a rockstar and now I sit here 5 treatments away from entering what I’ll call phase 3 of this Cancer year.

Phase 1 – surgeries

Phase 2 – chemo

Phase 3 – surgeries

Phase 4 – maintenance

It’s interesting to me how my role in this battle has slightly done an about-face. My family has gone from being scared, vulnerable and helpless to being strong, positive and cheerleaders. When I complain about having 5 more chemos – one of the them will chime in with “but it’s only 5, then 4, then before you know it, you’re done!” They’ve become the glass is half full person when I’m feeling like there’s a hole in the glass.

As this journey goes by week-by-week it can ware on you in different ways. It seems chemo has a cycle and over the course of the week, I have about 2 “normal” days. Two days where I feel like me, but to be completely honest, I might be getting closer to Zero “normal” days. Why? Because I feel very physically weak. My muscles ache to the point that each step feels like work. In addition to the muscles, the hip is getting worse. I hate complaining…I really do! But the facts are facts and each week chemo is taking its tole on me physically. I don’t feel sick, just extremely fatigued.

Here’s the good part. I did such a good job being tough and positive for my family that now it’s their turn. They get to keep me positive. Each day there’s an evaluation of how much more hair I have grown. There’s countdowns to the end of chemo and more sideline cheers. I’m so glad that I was a “badass” for them in the beginning & made this whole cancer thing seem like it’s a breeze & life’s hurdles seem to run the course. This stage or “phase” for me is constant, yet life goes on around me. The girls finish another school year, Jimmy finishes another round or 2 of golf, days get warmer and life just happens. But the monotony of this cancer phase is testing me.

My brother-in-law mentioned to me a couple weeks ago that he could tell I was feeling better because my blog posts have slowed down. Ironically, I think it may be the opposite. I feel like I don’t have much new to say and hate to keep sounding like a whiner so it’s been hard to drum up material. Terrible thing for a wanna-be-writer to admit, but it’s true. I need this phase to end.

Since I can’t speed up the process, I’ve decided to try to focus my mind elsewhere. Although I sit here typing with pain from my head to my toes, I need to distract myself; so yesterday I opened up the doors on the office dry-erase board and wrote my wants and needs. When I looked at the list it was daunting. Not even because of the financial commitment to obtain all, but because it encompassed many years of life. It was a reminder that I’m going through all of this for tomorrow…For many many tomorrows. It doesn’t always have to matter how I feel today or the next 5 weeks, it matters that I’m doing this for the thousands of weeks to come.