AMAZING

Last week I was told that I was “amazing” twice. The first was said at the end of Gina’s softball practice after I helped teach pitching to 6 of the girls. The second “Amazing” was when I showed up at Gina’s Volleyball tournament two days after chemo. Here’s the thing…I’m NOT amazing! I feel that many would be doing the same as I in the same circumstances. Many currently are, or have been through cancer surgeries and treatments and continue to live their lives as close to the same as they did previously.

While I love that people think so highly of me, I don’t feel I deserve praise. Compliments are fabulous yet I’ve never been great at accepting them. Don’t get me wrong, I smiled and was thankful of the compliment. I think I just want folks to realize that I feel we are all built to handle these challenges. Yes, I agree we’re built differently and some are stronger than others, but for the most part as humans we are built to deal with adversity. The challenges don’t always have to be physical, or health issues, there are financial, relationship, emotional, etc, simple put…LIFE HAPPENS!

Some would argue that I’ve made this look easy, or am indeed amazing, for putting myself out there for the world to see in moments of weakness. I will admit that posting bald pictures and walking the beach bald was a huge mental challenge; that packing wounds on the daily was a challenge; waking to an eyelash-less bald reflection daily isn’t fun, seeing a scar from hip to hip that seems like it might never fade or the man-made breasts that can’t be “finished” until chemo is over; none of those things are uplifting unless I make them out to be.

Seeing as I’ve always tried to be a glass is half-full kinda gal, I MUST look at it differently! My man-made breasteses (not typo, I like to add the lisp at times) are becoming quite fab! It’s actually crazytown how real they feel (TMI) and I am finally painless now that the healing is 98% complete. The abdominal scar is ugly but I haven’t had this flat abs since probably ever! The lashes being gone is an annoyance but I love the magnetic (Moxilash) fake ones as I can pick daily how long & lush I want my lashes to be. The baldness kinda sucks the most but the sugar coating is the fun I’ve been having with wigs. Soooo, I’m not really amazing, I’m just making the best of a crappy scenario. To me, the amazing ladies are the ones that don’t care that they’re bald, the ones that can’t have the reconstruction surgery right away and have to deal with no chest, the ladies that fight after a recurrence, the ladies that don’t get the fake lashes or wigs to look like “themselves”. They’ve got more confidence and “amazing-ness” than me.

Now that you just rolled your eyes and thought “she doesn’t give herself enough credit” – here’s why….When I’ve reflected upon myself in the past and how I deal with adversity, often the answer is I mentally (or emotionally) check out. I “turn it off” and roll with life. I’ve literally taken a deep breath & swallowed emotion when it hit me several times during this journey. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself because I know I would shut down. I’ve done the same when I think of the loss of my dad (last spring) I redirect the mind and move on because I truly don’t feel I’m physically capable of dealing with the emotion of one heavy subject, let alone two simultaneously. So I shove it deep into my gut and file it deeper into a compartment in my mind. Why? For me it’s easier for now & has allowed me to be (or seem) “amazing”. But let’s be honest…it’s not healthy and will most likely come back to get me with a monsoon of tears and an emotional breakdown when this all ends. You might find me in the looney bin January 2020 but at least I’ll be cancer-free and physically fantabulous?

“Suck it up Dixon” is a saying that rings in my head often in addition to “it could always be worse” so I suppose that’s my inner cheerleader that keeps me moving. (The cheerleader that sooo wouldn’t make the team because she’s a bit rough?). I’m thankful for the ability to be a survivor regardless of the tactics I need to use to be successful. We all have strengths and weaknesses and I think I’m using both to get through this battle.

I guess in summary, the moral of the story is:

1. I’m not amazing – but thanks for the complements…means a lot

2. While I hope none of you have a similar battle, just know you are capable of the fight.

3. High five the next bald lady you come across sporting their baldilocks because they’re amazing!

There are many in this world that really may not want any attention when it comes to a cancer battle. Many times I feel the same, but I’ve chosen a vocal path that I don’t regret. So, please, do not think for one second I’m not appreciative of the compliments! Just know that I think you’re all pretty damn amazing too!!!