Knowledge…

Knowledge is the key to so much in life. Generally speaking, the more knowledge we have, the better our lives will be. Who’s to say this is completely on point, but I’d venture to say it’s close.

I had an epiphany yesterday when a friend mentioned she had to go for a 3D scan after a spot showed in her mammogram. I had a sudden moment of fear. Fear that she’d have to endure what I have the past several months. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Thankfully all is fine and her spot was a fibroid, but it reminded me of when I found out my diagnosis.

I recall thinking that others reactions were more full of emotion than mine. I recall the reaction of the women I told that had fought this battle already and how compassionate they were. Now I completely know why…they knew what I was about to embark upon. They knew how it felt for them, how difficult it was, how looking back now might be painful. In that moment when my friend texted me, I prayed she was ok, then sighed a huge relief when I found out she was. I felt for that moment a complete understanding of what it feels like to be a survivor and the awful feeling that someday someone will reach out to me upon receiving a diagnosis and I will have that sad/compassionate feeling for them.

It’s hard to fully describe the difference between the feeling of finding out my diagnosis vs potentially someone else’s with all the knowledge I have now; between educating myself on the disease and the experiences I’ve had eliminating the disease. Since my first surgery December 10th my primary “job” has been to become cancer free and stay cancer free. May 3rd will mark 6 months from diagnosis yet it feels like much longer. I’m almost halfway through chemo treatments and cannot wait to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My patience is running thin and I’m fighting like hell against any depression setting in. Emotions and our mental state are often more out of our hands than we think & I’m not a fan of trying to control either. The spring sunshine is very helpful in making me want to jump out of bed and start the day but then I see my bald self and the mood changes a bit. It’s a constant mind-F to keep my head in the game daily. It reminds me of when I played sports and now in coaching. Athletics is as much, if not more, mental as it is physical. The term “Gameface” was created for that reason. When on the field or court you have to shut everything out and stay focused on your role in the game. Regardless of how many times you’re knocked down, make mistakes or getting crushed by the other team – you must keep your “gameface” on to remain sane and pursue victory. After writing that sentence, I wish I was just playing a sport again…it sounds easy now. The “gameface” of fighting an illness is more complex than I anticipated when I heard those words November 3rd. As a coach I tell the girls to shake off mistakes and move on, to learn from them yet not dwell. Well, I’m finding it’s tough to apply the same advice to myself. There’s no field or court to leave it on! It’s in my face daily and will be for life. So as I type this I’m telling myself to “suck it up Dixon…it could always be worse”. My infamous self-pep-talk.

This morning at breakfast Gina randomly said “I’m so thankful you found your tumor before it got bigger”, I replied with a “me too! I’m thankful I found it at all”. Today I’m thankful that many friends/followers have scheduled their mammograms after reading my blog or hearing my voice urge them to do so. I’m even MORE THANKFUL that all of them have reported to be clear! We have so much information at our fingertips and knowledge of others experiences but often still choose to procrastinate taking care of ourselves. I dread the day a friend, family member, or complete stranger reaches out to tell me they have breast cancer because I know what they’re up against. But I feel fortunate to be able to help them as much as possible during a rough time.

Thanks to all that have given me knowledge and helped me thus far. The second half of this journey seems it will be tougher mentally so please keep on cheering & praying because I might need it more than I’ll express ?