Ping!

“The room was so quiet, you could hear the sound of a pin drop” ….Ping! Who knows if that’s the correct word to describe the sound associated with the pin dropping awkwardness of the complete silence that occurs after hearing the word cancer. Even if only for a moment. Wether you have it, I have it, he has it, she HAD it or maybe someone he/she knows has/had it! “It” is a thing. A thing that makes a silent “ping”. An, often super short, moment of silence that you could hear a pin drop.

Doesn’t the same thing often go for such words like; adopted, divorced, gay, autistic, mentally ill, addict, you name it, there are MANY MANY moments that make us feel awkward and wonder how to react. The thing is…why should we react at all? Mainly because we are human. We have emotions, are compassionate, and mostly because it’s expected. If we say and do nothing, then that’s the MOST awkward scenario! I wish we all could embrace the conversations that cause those silent moments of awkwardness.

The reality is, unless you’ve been in the shoes of the personal challenge they’re dealing with, there really aren’t the “right words”. ANY words are ok! NO words is also ok. Just follow the lead of the individual that is…raising a child with Autism/special needs or the parent that just lost a child to suicide, or found out they have cancer or lost a parent to cancer, or those recently divorced, thinking about divorce, remarried after already being divorced, never going to divorce but miserable. WHATEVER is causing your hesitation to chat…just forget it! Go with your gut! It might feel awkward but if it’s causing that silent pin-dropping “ping” moment….then speak! The individual will open up or simply tell you they’re not in the mood to chat.

It’s also very much ok for those of us at the front lines of a particular life challenge to avoid the awkward moments all together. It’s ok to skip the Fall Fest or Christmas Party, it’s ok to go the opposite direction incognito-style at the gym or grocery when you see another parent from the school and you’re just not in the mood to chat. It’s ok to say no to visitors if you’re not ready, whatever the choice IT’s OK!

Last night my husband was debating wether or not to go to his Italian club Christmas dinner. The debate was mainly caused by him wondering if he felt like handling the “how’s Dene'” question. It’s a great question because everyone cares, but if he wasn’t in the mood to answer over and over again, THAT’S OK! It’s also OK for those folks to ask the question if he did end up at the dinner. We all need to stop worrying so much about what’s right or wrong and just DO! Even if what we do ends up being wrong?

There’s no secret that I love to socialize! I’m an outgoing talks-to-much gal that can quickly embarrass the kids when I make a friend in line at the grocery or run into someone I know while across country on vacation. Blogging about tata’s could be a bit embarrassing at the moment for the kids (especially the teen). I may be a socialite by nature, but with many insecurities. The confidence displayed is often, just that, a display.

So what’s the point of this particular rant? Just be human! Just handle other peoples shit the way you’d want it handled for you. And those in the middle of the shit…Just be human! Allow yourself to feel & be in the moment regardless of the emotion you feel. There’s only one thing I’d tell myself & others is DON’T DWELL! Solve the problem or handle the situation and move forward. Putting our head in the sand does nothing. The past is over and can be learned from, but dwelling accomplishes nothing. Mind you, these words are coming from a Master Dweller! It’s time for me to work more on the now and think less about the then. The mistakes, failures of the past are ones to learn from & remember, but no longer dwell. Dwelling is lamo!!!

It’s often annoying to hear someone complain about something, yet never do anything about it. Like the constant negativity toward a spouse when you’ve allowed the behavior to occur the entire time your married! Last night my husband and I chatted about this for a bit. Our middle said to us last week “you haven’t argued much since moms cancer”. While this might be true it was interesting to hear from the 11 year old. Especially since the hubs and I don’t argue much. When we do, it’s mainly a 5 minute war of wills. An Italian and Mexican combined with crazy stubbornness makes for a good show sometimes. But she’s right, disagreements have subsided the last month for obvious reasons. Perspective plays into a lot when the c-word enters your life.

But back to our discussion last night about the arguing. We always said we wouldn’t “fight” in front of the kids. Well, epic fail, we all know it’s impossible and unrealistic to not argue in front of the kids. Often the damn kids cause it! ? Anyhow, we landed at the end of the conversation with the conclusion that arguing is good! If one of us was always the submissive because it’s easy or just didn’t like conflict and always walked away leaving the other feeling in charge or as if they have their thumb on you…well, that eventually ends in destruction. And could potentially show your children less about strength and more about the high road. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes the high-road is worth taking but we agreed that our stubbornness and ability to just be ourselves the majority of the time is what works for us.

People only change when/if they want to, not when their told to! And change often comes when life throws a curve-ball and opens your eyes a bit. It was quite cute & comical the other night when the hubs got in bed and said “thanks for all you do! I definitely appreciate you even more now. It’s exhausting to be me and you at the same time…especially when you add in all the Christmas stuff” ? I cracked up and thanked him for rocking it all! He’s doing a bang up job being mom and dad while I heal!

Since November 8th, my Cancer diagnosis (and now this blog), have taught me quite a bit. I’ve reflected a lot on me, family, life, the past and future. Hearing that C-word changes a lot about your thoughts & plans, for the future! The joy I’m getting from writing this blog daily is a bit crazy to me! Writing is becoming second nature and truly therapeutic. The past few years I’ve thought about writing books, tv scripts, etc and this is the closest I’ve come to actually doing it.

Who knows what the future holds, but fear of the awkward silent “ping” and dwelling on the past won’t be a part of my future. I hope??