Time

It’s been 28 days since my last post, which may be the longest gap in time I’ve had between posts since I started this blog. Those 28 days have had many days filled with family time, but not always the kind I’d prefer. July 20th marks the date that our family lost the 4th male of the Dixon 7. My Dad led the pack with his passing on May 19th, 2018. My Uncle Spencer on June 3rd, 2019, Uncle Bill on July 13th, 2019 then Uncle Tom (dads twin) closed out the pack on July 20th, 2019. Losing 3 Uncles over just 6 weeks is quite unheard of and I believe to be why it’s taken so long for me to post. Every time I start to write, my thoughts & emotions are all over the place. And this moment isn’t much different so apologies in advance if I don’t stay on track. I’ve become overwhelmed with all that I want to say and haven’t known exacting where to start. Who deals with the death of their father, 3 Uncles and a breast cancer battle all within 14 months?…THIS GIRL! I’m sure there is always someone that has it worse, but it sure has been a whirlwind of a time in my life and the lives of those close to me.

When my Aunt Sue purchased her plane ticket from Florida to Indiana this past spring, she was purchasing it to attend her daughter Amy’s wedding and to watch her grandchildren while Amy was on her honeymoon. Little did she know that she’d also be attending 3 funerals. Apparently a spoof on 4 weddings and a funeral was in the making for her with 3 funerals and a wedding on one round trip ticket. It definitely sounds like a good name for a book or TV show I might get around to writing someday. I feel very sad for my Aunts to have lost all 4 of their brothers over such a short time. Those men had given their sisters so many cherished memories. They gave them 6 nephews and 7 nieces and many years of laughs, love and protection. I’m sad for my cousins whom have also lost their fathers. Simply put – I’m sad & numb.

When a loved one passes we reflect on their time on this earth and how they impacted others. We pull out the photo albums and gather all the old pics for the video & memory boards. We reflect upon how they impacted us personally and what we will miss most about them. Many of us then turn that reflection to ourselves and how we live our own lives. We evaluate how we are spending our time and questioning if we are spending enough time with our loved ones. Are we making enough memories to last a lifetime? Are we truly appreciative of the time we get with those that matter the most?

The cliche “time flies” couldn’t feel more true at this moment. We’re in a world of club sports, and children scheduled and/or entertained around the clock. We’re inundated with social media posts peaking our inner FOMO and potential jealousy. Time becomes more scarce with every year and often we truly wish we could slow it down. Life may have felt quick to my parents too but I’m sure in a much different way than we experience.

If you could make time stand still, what moment would you pick? The date you got married? The birth of your first child? Maybe a younger stage in life, like Middle School or High School? Would you choose the last moments with a loved one before they pass? All of the above are priceless moments in time that are incomparable and irreplaceable. One might argue that there is no need to freeze time because those moments will forever be etched in our minds. The emotion tied with each moment is also in our minds. The Animated movie “Inside Out” touches upon this in such a great visual way. When we experience moments such as being bedside during the last breath of your parent, it is a moment one cannot prepare for emotionally. It’s a moment of peace and sadness simultaneously. It’s also a moment some may wish to erase because it hurts so bad.

I was able to say “bye & I love you” to my dad before he passed and he was able to mouth it back in return. I was with my Uncle Tom 4 hours before he passed and visited my Uncle Bill one week prior to his passing. You might think that’s great and heartfelt but I can’t decide. I do believe it helps in the mourning process but it also provides a memory of them at the very end. A memory that can be hard to stomach. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I visited my uncles near their end, and of course glad I was with my dad, but if I could freeze time, I would choose a different time with them. I would choose learning to ski with Uncle Tom or watching Uncle Bill sing Led Zeppelin on stage while on our Family Cruise. I would choose Christmas Eve at Uncle Spencers or just about any moment with all of them at Devils Lake where I could hear my dad call every female present begonia & petunia.

A comment was said in passing at my Uncles funeral that struck me as interesting. As we all stood up and told stories of him, sharing our personal memories after the funeral, it was stated that another relative had several stories to tell but decided not to because they “didn’t want to make fun of him anymore”. I know no harm was meant by that statement, but to me it felt off. When we told stories after each funeral about my uncles and/or my Dad the best common denominator was laughter. Each story made us smile or laugh out loud. We weren’t making fun of them, we were remembering them as they wanted to be remembered. They made us laugh even when they weren’t trying & they had no problem laughing at themselves. They taught us how to ski, golf, drive, boat, parent….AND Laugh! They taught us a bit of what NOT to do as well?In general, Dixon’s and humor go hand & hand. Like most, they weren’t perfect, but their imperfections were also what helped mold many of us to be the individuals we are today.