When mom got Cancer

32 weeks ago I was told I had cancer. I wasn’t surprised, sad or scared…I was worried. Not about me, but worried for my family. Although I didn’t know what was on the horizon for me, I was worried how this would impact their lives. In a world where our children are the center of our lives and each day is dictated by what sport or school activity they need to attend. When they’re put before us as parents daily and they secretly know they rule the roost, it’s a bit of a shock to the system when your needs are no longer first in line. Hearing “mom has cancer” are words we don’t want to hear as adults, let alone children. It’s scary, confusing and helpless. The mind immediately goes to the dark side of death and gloom. Cancer = death. We all know this isn’t always the case, but it’s where we go mentally when the C-word first hits the surface.

As I reflect upon my journey I feel compelled to the tell the story of the last 32 weeks through my children’s eyes. Their faces were at the forefront of my mind at that moment of discovery yet for months the concern and focus of many has been on me. What about them?

November 12th Jimmy and I arrived at the house just as the girls got home from school. Their intuition immediately told them something was wrong. After we discussed my diagnosis we all parted ways and they each were left with their thoughts and fears about what that cancer talk actually meant.

The luckiest one was Julia because of her age and lack of knowledge on the subject. She retreated to coloring and school and normal routine. She didnt think of it much until it was brought up to her. Today when I asked her about the past six months and how she felt that day, her answer was “confused, I didnt know what Breast cancer was” when I followed with “what about the hair loss?” She replied ” my mind was blown thinking about you without hair” she then stated that “it really wasn’t a big deal and I liked your wigs…except the pink one”. LOL! Apparently Moms cancer through the eyes of an 8 year old is the right way to roll.

When I spoke to Gina her story was a little different. She was scared and hearing the word Cancer immediately made her think that mom was going to die. She cried the moment we told her. She cried a few times at school the weeks following my diagnosis. Each day at school she prayed for me during their morning intentions. Her friends wanted to ask how she was doing, but they also didn’t want to upset her by bringing it up so they too were left feeling helpless. As we progressed to talking about my surgeries and chemo, Gina stated that “it all happened so fast”. When it came to chemo she “kinda expected” that I would have to do it. Her and Julia both finished their story telling by stating that as time passed it didn’t affect them much because I was still being me. The advice they give to others now would be “it goes by fast”. They both have a different outlook on cancer and what it really means. They won’t be phased as much by that forbidden word moving forward and can share with other children that the C-word DOESNT = death. It’s simply a bump in the road.

When I look back I was most worried about Gina. She feels for everyone and tends to worry way to much for an 11 year old kid & I knew Julia was to young to be to phased. When it came to Maria I knew she’d understand more and in my mind I didn’t have to worry so much about her. She is strong and independent, but I forgot she’s still only 16. It very well could have been the most scary for her, not Gina. Maria actually knew what I was up against. I honestly think (ok, I know) that I assumed she was ok and I slightly avoided the heart to heart conversation about it because I was afraid to breakdown in front of her. I did not want to show fear to any of them, especially Maria.

I think there’s a definite difference between showing weakness and being weak. I chose to NOT show weakness in front of my girls. I was raised by a strong tough momma and I feel it has paid off, therefore I chose my own version of “tough” for my girls.

When I asked Maria about the past 6 months the answers were similar to her sisters. The difference is that we didn’t always share her emotions together. When your 16 you often choose to share emotion with your friends, and that’s ok. She has amazing friends and a wonderful boyfriend. I knew she was in good hands emotionally with her “tribe”. She told me she was scared, shocked, confused and nervous but knew I would be ok. She was annoyed that I needed chemo because it would be rough on me. When I asked about the hair buzz party, she said “it was fun but very emotional and made everything more real”. I also asked her friend Emma. She has watched from the sidelines. She too was scared for me and her bff. She mentioned the hair party was sad but liked how I found a way to make it positive. In my heart I may have failed Maria a bit by shielding myself from emotion, but it’s how I had to handle the situation at the moment. 32 weeks later I feel my 3 beautiful girls would all agree that my cancer diagnosis affected them, but not as much as they would’ve thought. I believe they’ll all walk away from this scenario with much less fear of the C-word.

I have 2 chemos left and will then move on to the next phase of surgeries to make myself whole. I am proud and thankful that my girls have not been traumatized by this bump in the road. I am most grateful that my Dixon-Paredes stubborn blood has given me the ability fight in front of my children.

The purpose of this post is 100% to cheer on others fighting this disease now and help them see the effects of it through our children’s eyes. I want to express that it truly matters how we handle adversity. Regardless of how hard it is to stand tall and though – someone is watching. That someone is your child, friend, family and you may be giving them the strength to be tough in their own world. I’m not going to pretend this has been easy or I didn’t have many moments of sadness & frustration, but I got past those moments because of my family. We all have the fight in us – it’s a choice wether or not we’re going to bring it out.